Paradox Live Opening Show - Akan Yatsura
Iori: Aaaahahahahahah! There y'go, there y'go! Keep at it! Get his ass! Ahahahah!Zen: This is no laughing matter, Waka[1]! Do something! Come on, you guys! We haven't even made it across the bridge yet! Break it up!
Reo: Ahahahaha! Satsuki-chan, you're so cuuu~te!
Satsuki: How many times I gotta tell you to drop it with the -chan crap!? You wanna fuckin' go!?
Hokusai: ... ah. Kitty. ... cute.
Zen: Seriously... if only Reo didn't feel the need to poke the bear...
[sfx: record scratch to indicate flashback]
Reo: Uwah! This is amazing! So this is CLUB Paradox! It's huuuge!
Zen: We've finally been given the chance to perform in such a legendary venue...! Waka! This is all thanks to Waka's hard work--! [sob]
Iori: Ah... Zen, I've told you a hundred times to ease up on the waterworks... you're the same as ever...
Reo: Look! There's so many people~!
Hokusai: Ah. ... birdie. ... cute.
Reo: Hokusai's the same wherever he goes, huh? But don't you think girls are way cuter than birds? Hey, everyone! Keep your eyes on me today, okay?
Satsuki: H-hey! Reo! The hell's with the flirty act?
Reo: Oh? Is something wrong? Oh, I get it! You're all embarrassed, aren't you? Am I right or what?
Satsuki: Dumbass! It's nothing like that! I'm a super cool rapper, there's no way I'd get all flustered just because a girl--
Reo: Oh? Then how about you try waving to those girls over there? And say, "I love you~!"!
Satsuki: I already said I-- hey. Reo, why're you making that face!?
Reo: No reason~! I just thought maybe you were shy or something~!
Satsuki: Fine! I'll take your little dare! Watch this, you little shit! All of them are gonna fall hard for me! H-hey! Hey! HEY! H-E-EYYYY! EYY... EY...[confused howler monkey screaming]
Hokusai: Ey-ey... Satsuki, are you doing an impression of a monkey? ... cute.
Reo: Aahahahah! You made a total ass of yourself!
Satsuki: SHUT UP!
[sfx: record scratch to indicate flash back to the present]
Zen: And that's how we got here... good grief... Waka, may I?
Iori: Ah, yeah, sure. Looks like it's winding down anyway.
[sfx: crowd noises]
Zen: Hey! You guys! Didn't I tell you to stop!?
[sfx: THWACK]
Satsuki and Reo: Ow!!
Zen: We're supposed to perform as a single front, as a team! Fighting with each other like this is inappropriate!
Reo: But you didn't have to use full power--
Satsuki: -- to hit us like that!!
Hokusai: Two bumps... like a camel... ... heheh.
Zen: I apologize for hitting the two of you. But I want the both of you to think about what you've done. Alright?
Satsuki and Reo: Alright...
Zen: Excellent! ... [sob] How lovely it is to have friends...! Let's have fun performing together with everyone on this huge stage! Right!?
Iori: Right, right! We've been waitin' for a festival like this for a while now, we've got to enjoy it! [sotto voce] Fer'real... s'basically an obligation, ain't it?
Zen: What was that just now?
Iori: Nothin' at all!
Zen: ... at any rate. Everyone's excited, though that's to be expected what with the revival of such a legendary venue.
Satsuki: Of course we are. This is basically a miraculous sort of occasion, innit?
Zen: Waka's has set his sights high! It only makes sense that it's this hyped up!
Reo: Excuuuse me. What was it our sights are set on, exactly? I think getting punched earlier knocked the memory loose or somethin'.
Zen: M... my apologies...
Iori: There's no helping you, huh~? We're participating in this event to let the entire world know how great and good-spirited Akan Yatsura's performances are! And, on top of that, the champ takes home ten billion yen in prize money! With that kind of leeway instead of having to scrimp and save, we can get the clan back in order! And if we can manage that, then the old man will be able to drink well in the afterlife, 'ya know?
Zen: Our precious family would once again be able to... ah! I'm getting all worked up! [intense manly noises]
Satsuki: O-oi! Zen-nii! You don't have to pick me up all of a sudden!? Put me down!
Zen: M-my apologies! In my excitement, I accidentally...
Iori: In all the world, I'm pretty sure you're the only person who'd ever accidentally pick someone up in your excitement...
Zen: Satsuki-kun! In order to work out this excitement, will you do some push-ups with me!?
Satsuki: No, man, that's weird, don't make weird requests like that out of nowhere...
Zen: Ahahahah! It was a joke!
Satsuki: Geeze...
Reo: Aaanyway! I just want to get on stage and have lots of girls scream that they love me~!
Hokusai: If we win... we'll be able to stay together...
Iori: That's right! We'll aaaalways be together. And if can do that, then you'll be in real good spirits, right, Hokusai?
Hokusai: Mmhm. I'll try my best too.
Iori: There's a good boy. But at any rate, I suppose this is to be expected of CLUB Paradox... the building itself is impressive, and the surroundings are all real spirited too.
Zen: It's certainly a very impressive mega-float. It's only connected to the land by a bridge; everything around it is the sea. The ideal place to make a lot of noise without getting any complaints!
Satsuki: What's a mega-float? Sounds like a drink or somethin'.
Zen: It's a very large artificial island.
Satsuki: I-- I already knew that!
Zen: [laugh] I somehow doubt that.
Hokusai: Ah... are all of those... people?
Iori: They're people who've shown up to see the Paradox Live, probably. If it's this packed, who knows if the performers will even be able to get in, huh?
Reo: I mean, I'm hardly upset that aaaall these people came to see us.
Iori: Well, then let's take our time walkin' towards the venue all slow-like, shall we?
[sfx: crowd cheering]
Iori: Oh! Looks like the other teams have shown up as well. Ahahah, well ain't they popular! How rude, they're already gettin' interviewed.
Reo: Ah... don't tell me... are all of the competitors going to get interviewed...?
Iori: Well, the Paradox Live is a big deal. It's already getting a lot of attention from a lot of people.
Hokusai: There were lots of things written in that invitation.
Zen: Let's take a look at it!
Satsuki: Uhh... the other teams' names are... Bah... Bee... Bai... what does this say? The... Cat... swhish... it's all in English, I can't read it. So does that mean our opponents are all foreigners?
Reo: How stupid are you?
Zen: It's true that there is a foreigner in BAE.
Satsuki: Wait? It's read "bei"? So, wait, that means...
Iori: Got it! BAE is our very own Anne Faulkner's team!
Zen: Is something the matter? Is that your type, Satsuki-kun? You do know that Anne-kun isn't--
Reo: SHH!!
Zen: [muffled noise of surprise]
Reo: Read the room!
Zen: What do you mean by that!?
Iori: Looks like Anne-chan's already here! At the center of that crowd over there!
Satsuki: HUH? REALLY?
Zen: BAE's three members are all, supposedly, students at an international school. I've heard that their other two members are half- and quarter-foreign, respectively.
Iori: Real upper crust types, you know? I'm lookin' forward to hearin' what they've got.
Zen: The Cat's Whiskers, meanwhile, is--
Iori: Ah, those are the guys from 4/7, right? That's where danna[2] is.
Zen: Ah--! So we'll finally be able to hear Kanbayashi-san's rapping?
Iori: Lookin' forward to that, are you?
Zen: I am. And if I'm not wrong, cozmez are... a pair of twins?
Iori: Aaah. So that's why he turned me down. He was actin' real uncharacteristically disobedient, so I was wondering what was up.
Zen: They've all got a fair number of accomplishments under their belts, haven't they?
Iori: Well, if those are the only people we've got to go up against, then I'm not worried...
Zen: What do you mean by that...? ... ... where did Satsuki and Reo go?
Iori: Ah, they went off somewhere with Hokusai. Figured it'd be easy to find them with Hokusai with 'em, since he sticks out so much. [chuckle] They're probably gonna go pester Anne-chan.
Zen: There's no helping them... let's go after them!
*
Satsuki: Ah! That person facing away-- ain't that Anne?! Why's she[3] dressed up so showy? Ah, but I can't say I hate it, either... one day, once I've gotten a bit cooler, then she'll...! Yeah!! It's gonna be GREAT!
Reo: Called it~ If you like Anne so much, how 'bout calling her over?
Satsuki: D-don't pull shit like that! It's not like I'm into her or anything...
Ryu, in the background: Kyahahahahaha! Boss! Shikki looks like he's about to die~!
Hokusai: Ah...
Reo: Ah? Something up? Do you see a familiar face too, Hokusai?
Hokusai: Yeah. Ryu's here.
Reo: That super weird guy that lives at the bar? Looks like there's people we know all over here, huh?
Iori: Ah, found 'ya, found 'ya.
Zen: Hey, you three! Don't run off on your own! You'll get lost.
Satsuki: I ain't gonna get lost! I ain't a little kid!
Woman 1: Ah, excuse me! The bunch of you are the members of Akan Yatsura, aren't you? Might we borrow you for a minute?
Satsuki: What's with this all of a sudden?
Iori: Looks like they're from a television station of some sort. Looks like we're up for interviews.
Reo: Ah... [breathing heavily] ... television...
Hokusai: ... this isn't good.
Woman 1: Then, we'll talk with Reo-kun first. Good afternoon!
Reo: Back off! Don't point that camera at me!
[sfx: flashback of the raid on the Suiseki, gunfire, yelling]
Past Woman 1: We're live on the scene. This is the building that has been reported as the source of the gunfire and yelling. Just moments ago, the police have entered by force-- ah!
[sfx: camera shutters]
Past Woman 1: Someone's coming out! Is it a boy...? It looks like someone still quite young! ... ah! A few men are coming out as well! Their clothes appear to be bloodied!
[sfx: camera shutters]
Past Reo: Everyone... hey... wake up... please wake up...
Past Zen: Reo-kun... I'm sorry, they're already...
[sfx: gunshots, echoing like a memory]
Past Reo: No... no! No! No! There's no way this is happening...!
Past Satsuki: Shit! Stop fucking around--!
[sfx: Gunshot, breaking glass]
Past Reo: [shuddering sobs]
Past Iori: ... I promise, I'll make those bastards pay for this. I promise.
[end flashback]
Reo: [hyperventilating] No... back off...
Woman 1: Um... is he alright?
Iori: Ah, sorry, sorry, miss. He's just really nervous. Zen, go take him somewhere he can get some air, would 'ya?
Zen: Understood. We'll meet up with you in the dressing room later, Waka.
Woman 1: Um... may I continue the interview?
Iori: Sure, s'all good! Ask anything y'want.
Woman 1: Alright! What is it that your team is hoping to accomplish tonight?
Satsuki: Ain't that obvious? Nothin' but total overwhelming victory!
Woman 1: O-of course! Then would you be able to tell us about what your team's strengths are?
Hokusai: Kitty-patterned skirt... cute.
Woman 1: ... um?
Iori: Our strength as a team is the kind of teamwork you can only get as a family! Call it our special bond. That's our unique selling point.
Woman 1: Teamwork like a family, then--
Satsuki: Not 'like' a family! We are family! Don't take us that lightly!
Woman 1: Ah, I see...
Iori: Nee-chan. Lemme tell let you in on a little secret. Family ain't about blood. It's all about the time you've spent together.
Woman 1: I see! Well, then could you give us some final words for all the heads giving their attention to the Paradox Live?
Iori: Everyone, please keep a close eye on Akan Yatsura~! We're counting on all of 'ya! Keep your spirits up, everyone~!
Woman 1: Ah, well... thank you very much for your time!
[sfx: footsteps walking away]
Iori: Ah, I wonder if Reo's gonna be alright...
Satsuki: Zen-nii said he'd meet us in the dressing room, yeah? Let's go there.
[sfx: knocking]
Iori: Reo. You doin' alright?
Reo: Yeah. Sorry... I couldn't stop the memories from that time just...
Zen: He seems to have been able to calm down, too. There's nothing to worry about.
Hokusai: Reo... it's okay. [petting Reo's head] Good boy.
Reo: Thanks, Hokusai.
Iori: Oi, Satsuki. Somethin' up? You went ahead and got all those drinks, but you're actin' shy now?
Reo: Satsuki... did you get these for me...?
Satsuki: Don't be a dumbass! I'm gonna drink every single one of 'em!
Reo: Oh, come on! You can just say you were worried! If you can't be honest, you're gonna be a virgin forev--
Satsuki: SHUT UP!!! One more word and I'm gonna beat your ass!
Zen: [sigh] These kids...
Iori: [laughing] Ah, but that's right! Akan Yatsura's gotta have this much spirit! [claps] At any rate, the Paradox Live begins today. You guys're ready, yeah?
Zen, Satsuki, Reo: Yeah!
Hokusai: Yeah.
Iori: Let's show everyone how high our spirits are! What's our number, brothers?
Zen, Satsuki, Reo, Hokusai: Number one! Akan Yatsura underground!
Iori: That's damn right! C'mon, let's go!
[sfx: footsteps]
Iori: ... the mastermind behind it all somewhere's in this venue. I'm gonna sniff you out, no matter what. Just you wait. For the old man's sake.
[1] Waka means something like "young master". General fandom practice has been to leave it untranslated because it kind of parses weird in English; just know that he's referring to Iori respectfully.
[2] Danna is how Iori refers to Yohei; in context it means something like informally calling someone "chief".
[3] You know and I know that Anne is canonically referred to by they/them pronouns, but it's a lot easier to refer to people without referent pronouns in Japanese, so whenever Satsuki talks about Anne and someone plays along with his belief that they're a girl, I'll be using "she" for them.