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Shiramitsu Toi Character Novel: The Day I Became an Angel

Chapter 1: The Ceremonial Room

That this was an important ceremony passed down through the head of the Shiramitsu family for generations. That this was what you needed to do in order to receive the blessing of the angel, and so I'd have to try my very hardest. That after the nine-day ceremony was complete, the angel... Oshisha-sama would dwell within me.

I made up my mind that I was going to do it.

"Hah... ahh... uuuu..."

When they first locked me in there, I was terrified, I panicked, I cried all the time begging for Ani-sama to save me. When I didn't have the energy to cry anymore, I finally calmed down. I was cold and tired, and I was so hungry, but I was determined to do my best. Sometimes I made some kind of weird noises involuntarily, though.

"Uuu... hah...."

The mucus membranes in my throat had dried up and were sticking together, making it hard to breathe. I just wanted a drink of water, but my vision was beginning to fade in and out.

I can do this, I thought.

"Hhhha..."

I had lost most of the strength in my hands, but I scratched at the floor with the tips of my fingernails. My mother told me that the weird pattern on the floor was a magic circle meant to call down Oshisha-sama. I scratched along the floor a little bit, tracing the magic circle.

They said that in order to make friends with Oshisha-sama, it's really important to be "close to dying". They said if I didn't do that, then Oshisha-sama wouldn't come to me.

"So, Oshisha-sama... you like people who seem like they're about to die, huh?"

My voice was so hoarse, it didn't even sound like my own. I sounded more like the ghosts that I saw around the city sometimes-- the ghosts of people who had died in suffering.

I thought it was a little weird that Oshisha-sama was an angel, but that it liked people who were about to die. My idea of an angel was someone who helped people who were in need.

"Hah... hhah... ah..."

Or maybe Oshisha-sama would come to save me from my suffering, and that's how we'd become friends, and then, maybe, that's why...

My head was all messed up, and I couldn't think straight. I was trying my very hardest not to fall asleep, but my consciousness was slipping away. My body was trying to go to sleep of its own accord. But I couldn't. I definitely could not do that.

I tried to wake myself up by leaning up against the wall, but I didn't have the strength to keep my head upright, and I jolted it back up.

It was a very small room, and there was only one small window for light to come in through. The night sky outside was cloudy.

"..."

I was told that the Shiramitsu family, that my brother and I were born into, has been the "hosts of angels" for generations. Children born to the family often had a supernatural affinity, and they were good at fortune telling and other psychic abilities... because they helped people with their power, they quickly accumulated believers and followers. My mother and grandfather told me that the family was famous around here.

"The Shiramitsu family's duty... is to help people..."

Just like my grandfather and the others told me, I had psychic powers. I could see ghosts and spirits, and sometimes I could even talk to them if they wanted to talk to me.

Ani-sama didn't have any psychic powers... maybe I took them all for myself while we were inside of our mother. On the other hand, though, Ani-sama has a lot of coolness and manliness that I don't, and he's always so wonderful and my very own hero--

"..."

My thoughts were racing all over the place, and I couldn't hold onto any of them. Maybe I really was about to reach my limit. I felt like I might pass out if I kept on going like this. My grandfather said I wasn't supposed to fall asleep, but what would happen if I fainted? I suppose that losing consciousness would mean I failed.

I wondered if I'd get in trouble. But I wasn't afraid of getting punished for it. What scared me was the idea of not being able to do it after all. Not being able to do something for everyone. So I had to try my best. I had to do it for everyone. I did.

But I could feel my body just really, really, really starting to--

"Toi!!!!"

"...!"

And then I saw...

"Toi, are you okay!?"

He was looking through the little window. Before I knew it, the clouds had vanished and the sight on the other side of the glass was shining bright.

"Ah..."

The shape of a person was overlapping with the cross shaped of the window lattice. Ani-sama's silhouette was carrying the pure white moonlight on his back.

"Toi-- Toi!!"

It was like a brand new god had just descended upon the world.

Ah... what was I supposed to do now? I was supposed to be waiting for Oshisha-sama, but instead a god had arrived to me, cutting in line ahead of the angel.

Maybe I really was about to die.

"Ani... sama....!"

I called out to Ani-sama as well.

Ani-sama's face was contorted with terrible guilt. He called my name with sadness in his voice. Ani-sama was upset... and it was my fault. I wanted to tell him, please don't make that face. I wanted to be able to touch him again.

I didn't care what happened to me, I just wanted to make sure that Ani-sama wasn't suffering. I wanted him to be healed. It didn't have to be by me, it could be by someone else, anyone would do--

And that's when it happened. Something's voice echoed inside my head.

"Are you the next host?"

Chapter 2: Ani-sama

"Toi, you've, you've lost so much weight--!"

"It's... okay... because.... Ani-sa...ma..."

Once I was acknowledged as being accepted by Oshisha-sama and let out of the cell, Ani-sama held me in his arms for a long time. He cried and held me tight, and my body had indeed gotten very thin.

"How can you possibly say it's okay!? And your hair-- it used to be the same color as mine--!"

I wasn't yet aware of it at the time, but as a result of becoming the host, my hair had turned white.

"..."

"Now it's the same color as our fucking dad's and the fucking old man's...!"

Ani-sama stroked my hair repeatedly, as if mourning the loss of something that would never come back. So I hugged him back. I wanted to tell him that everything was fine, that everything was going to be alright... but.

"Hic... gck... snff.. hha... uuuu..."

"Toi, I'm sorry, I'm sorry....! This is all my fault, if I hadn't done that then you--!"

"Uuu... uwa...!!"

Seeing my brother sad made me sad as well. Once I started crying, it was like some kind of switch was flipped behind my eyes, and I couldn't stop. The entire time, I clung to the warmth of Ani-sama's body. Even though I thought I had no more water left inside of me, the tears kept coming and wouldn't stop.

Ani-sama kept apologizing to me countless times. I told him that he had no reason to apologize, because it was all thanks to him that I was able to endure the ceremony... but it didn't seem like he was able to forgive himself. And at the same time, he was furious at our grandfather for when he decided to hold the ceremony.

"You had to go through something this awful instead of me... goddammit!!"

"..."

"When they took you away... I kept trying to tell them that I was Ryui, but they wouldn't listen! They wouldn't listen to a word I said!"

"Ani-sama..."

"I was supposed to be the one who did this ritual! I told them so many times!"

Ani-sama and I had the same appearance. Our personalities couldn't be more different, but the same didn't hold true for our appearances; we were completely identical. So, sometimes we'd play a little prank and pretend that I was Ryui and that Ryui was me. Nobody could tell the difference between us or tell that we'd switched places -- not our mother, not our late father, or any of the help -- so it was always really fun and funny. And that's how we--

"Ani-sama, do you want to play the trading places game again?"

And I swapped places with Ani-sama. We didn't know that our grandfather had decided to hold the ceremony.

Ani-sama was so very, very sorry about it, and it also seemed like he felt sorry for me as well. Even though I was the one who went through it, it felt like Ani-sama was the one who was feeling the pain.

But I... was honestly a little relieved, because of what our grandfather said just before the ceremony.

"The ceremony can take up to nine days. During that time, you may not eat, drink, or sleep. It's going to be very hard, so brace yourself, Ryui."

I didn't want Ani-sama to have to go through something so scary and painful, so I kept quiet on purpose and didn't say that I was Toi.

And besides that, Oshisha-sama is an angel that helps everyone. If I could have the power to save my brother, my family, and everyone else, then I wanted it.

"I can't take this anymore! Fuck the head of the family! I'm going to go deck that shitty old man!"

"Uuu... snf..."

Ani-sama stroked my head gently, and then he ran out of the room. I wanted to wait for him to come back, but I was so exhausted that before long I cried myself to sleep.

And then... I had a dream.

An angel's wings. A demon's smile. Ani-sama, missing an eye. A tiny window. The darkness that filled all four corners of the prison cell. A full moon. And then--

Me, laughing with a demon's face.

"Ah--!"

When I woke up, I was lying in my own bed. I was tucked into the futon so I wouldn't get cold, and the room was kept dark. I felt dizzy when I got up, but not so dizzy that I couldn't move. What was that dream that I had just had? What did it mean? Trying to make sense of it, I stumbled over to my desk.

"A raisin butter sandwich!"

Laying on my desk, wrapped up in cute paper, was my favorite food. I soon put together that my brother had tucked me into bed and prepared a snack for me. Ani-sama is always so kind to me. As I ate the sweet raisin butter sandwich, trying to fight back the tears that were threatening to well up in my eyes, I opened up my diary to write about the ceremony. But then, right there, I was surprised to see:

Crybaby brat

Words I hadn't written, in... could you call it handwriting? It definitely wasn't my handwriting, at any rate. Ani-sama always says, "privacy is important", and never touches my diary... so who did this?

So that's why I wrote down next to it:

Who are you?

Chapter 3: A Question For You

I received a reply the next day. It was the same hand as yesterday, the same... I guess you could call it beautiful penmanship? It looked very similar to the kinds of things that my grandfather and father wrote.

I am a being who begins with "A".

And that was all it said.

"Maybe that means their name begins with "A"?" I thought.

So I wrote a reply:

I'll call you Acchama, then.

The next day, I heard back from them again.

Do as you wish.

And then after that, I began exchanging questions with Acchama back and forth in my diary. It seemed like Acchama always answered my questions while I was sleeping, because every time I woke up, there would always be answers written there. It was all very new and exciting to me, so I asked a lot of trivial questions.

Acchama, are you a boy or a girl?

Neither

Acchama, what do you look like?

You cannot begin to grasp my true form

Acchama, do you prefer sunny or rainy days?

I like a rain of blood

Blood...?

But no matter what question I asked, Acchama always gave me a proper answer. A lot of their answers were in Acchama's very unique style, and since I was still an elementary school student, I didn't quite understand them.

"Toi, you're so dedicated. I'd give up keeping a diary after a single day."

"Yeah, ahaha..."

Ani-sama didn't seem to notice anything about my exchange diary with Acchama, but for some reason... I feel like he'd be sad if he knew about it, so I decided not to tell him about it.

(Because "Achama" was definitely Oshisha-sama.)
Even though my body had mostly recovered and I could move around normally again, it seemed to be really painful to Ani-sama that our hair color didn't match anymore... I was sad about it too, but he looked even sadder than me. He kept blaming himself, saying that it was his fault that this happened. And in addition to that...

"I'm so sorry, Ryui... To...i..."

It probably reminded him of our father, the previous head of the family, who had died very young. After I became Oshisha-sama's host, my hair turned white, just like our father's. Maybe my fate would be the same as our father's...? Could it be that Oshisha-sama used the head of the Shiramitsu family as a host and gave them power in exchange for their soul?

"... I guess that must be it."

I didn't want to make Ani-sama any sadder. That's why I decided to keep a it a secret from him. I knew that if Ani-sama knew, he would give up anything and make any sacrifice for my sake. It was the first secret that I kept from Ani-sama.

Ani-sama has never read my diary, but... I thought, and just to be safe, I decided to start hiding my diary somewhere else instead of on my desk. When you want to keep something a secret, you put it up high on a shelf.

Do you have a favorite food, Acchama?

Bloody liver^[1]

What's that?

It's the same thing as the liver you eat

Oh! My father used to eat liver and onions a lot! I never really liked it, though...

Is that so.

Acchama had a totally different sensibility than I did, and sometimes their responses could be a little bit curt, but I always had a lot of fun talking to them. So, before long, I wasn't just asking questions, but writing full exchange diary entries for them. I wanted to let Acchama know everything that happened to me day to day.

April 3rd. Sunny.
Today I went to go buy scissors to use at school. Because of our mother's schedule, I ended up going on a different day than Ani-sama, but we both picked out the exact same set of scissors...

I don't care, but good for you

Oh, come on, Acchama! This matters to me!

I really enjoyed getting feedback on my diary entries in addition to just answers to my questions. Most of the time it was very clipped answers, like I see or Worthless, but no matter how short the responses were, not a day went by where I didn't get some kind of reply.

Then, one day, it was about six months after I had started having my exchanges with Acchama. I was genuinely curious if Oshisha-sama had a place that it was from, so I just casually asked the question:

By the way, where do you come from, Acchama?

And this was the reply I got:

From somewhere deep, deep down below, far beneath the depths of the earth

The depths of the earth...?

[1] Japanese uses different words for liver the organ (which is what it says first) and liver specifically as a food (which is how it's clarified). We don't have the same distinction, so just bear with me on how this is a little awkward.

Chapter 4: I Come from the Earth

I had been scared of bringing back the painful memories, so I had avoided even going near the underground cell again, but in I walked. Ever since the ceremony, I started being afraid of the dark, so I made sure to bring a flashlight with me and left the door to the basement wide open so I could leave at any time.

"..."

Maybe it was because nobody ever came down here, but the atmosphere was still as damp and eerie as ever. I thought that maybe I should have asked somebody to come down here with me, but I shook my head to dismiss the thought.

"Alright..."

Afraid, I stood in the center of the cell and looked up towards the ceiling. Just like it was that day, the moonlight was streaming in through the little window. The white light beamed straight down, like it was gently splitting the darkness apart. I looked up and stretched my hand out in front of me. I remembered Ani-sama, my only salvation, looking as pure as a god.

"Mmm..."

I dropped my hand and then looked down at the floor. The magic circle that was there that day had been long since erased, and the entire place was clean as though nothing had ever happened here. I knelt down and touched the floor. I felt a sort of cold loneliness, the silence, the sense of unease that seemed to brush right up against my anxieties.

"Maybe if Acchama isn't an angel... and not a god either... then maybe they're..."

Angels and gods came from heaven. Just like my brother had.

"Maybe they're... a demon or something..."

What should I do? Ever since I was really little, I'd always been scared of demons, whether they were in manga, or movies, or in real life.

"Acchama said they come from somewhere far below the depths of the earth, right...?" I muttered to myself as I got down and crawled on the floor, to the lowest point in the entire house. I didn't see anything that looked different, so I pressed my cheek against the floor; as might be expected, it was really cold.

"I wonder how far down Acchama is from..."

The floor was cold, but I wonder if it was even colder deep underground. Or maybe it was warmer. I knew there was magma in the center of the earth; I learned that in school. But I didn't know what might be deeper than the magma, deeper in the depths of the earth. Maybe a place that's that far down would be as cold as this floor, after all. And if someone came from a really cold place, then maybe they might want to be someplace warm.

Like, for instance, inside of our bodies.

"..."

And then I stood back up.

I came down here to try and understand more about what kind of thing Acchama was, but in the end, I still didn't really understand them any better.

"Well... nevermind."

So I stopped wondering about whether or not Acchama was really an angel. Because either way, Acchama is still Acchama. And the idea that Acchama was an angel was really important to everyone in the Shiramitsu family (except for Nii-sama, that is)... so I didn't care what Acchama was. Even if they were a demon. Even if Acchama were to eat my soul in exchange for the power they give me. Even if they ended up taking my father's life like that, I don't think they did it on purpose, if they did. I just have a feeling that Acchama doesn't want that to happen. But that is just a feeling I have.

December 15th. Sunny.
Today I went shopping with Ani-sama. We bought some clothes that look great on him. Ani-sama is always so stylish and cool, I admire him so much.
Then, on the way home, I asked Nii-sama to buy me a bottle of liver paste. It was the kind that was full of bloody liver. Nii-sama looked grossed out, but for some reason, I was craving it really badly...
When I got home and ate it, it was really yummy. I didn't think I liked liver, but I guess maybe it's because it's Acchama's favorite food? If we share a body, maybe the stuff we like and dislike will start becoming the same?

You're imagining things.

But it was quite delicious.

They're a little scary and sometimes pretty curt, but they're my important friend who replies to my messages every single day.

... I hope you're warm, Acchama.

If my friend is cold, then I want to warm them up a lot.

Chapter 5: My Friend

I turned to a new page of my diary.

December 15th. Rainy. The north wind was really cold today!
Today, Angel Eye was closed, so I went to help out Ani-sama at his shop, Arataka. He's almost out of the the handmade amulets, so I think I'll go with him the next time he goes shopping for materials to make more.
Ani-sama's store is already doing really well. He's always been super kind and cool and perfect ever since we were kids, but the fact that he's got good business sense too is just too amazing~! He really is my most precious precious precious one and only greatest Ani-sama!

"Alright, there we go."

"Hey, Toi. ... oh, you were writing in your diary."

Just as I finished up writing today's diary, Nii-sama arrived back to the room. I closed my diary and turned around to see Ani-sama looking at me with a gentle expression as he toweled off his hair. He always looks so wild and handsome after a bath. The pleasant scent of soap drifted throughout the room.

"Looks like that diary's reaching the end of its life, huh?"

"Yeah. I'm almost out of pages, I'm gonna have to buy a new one soon," I laughed while hugging my tattered diary to my chest. This diary contained so much of my history, and from here on out, my history as a ward mayor will be added to it as well. At the same time, the amount of information about Acchama will be added, too. I look forward to seeing what happens.

"I seriously don't know how you keep it up, Toi. You're so dedicated, it's amazing. I really admire that about you... I could never keep a diary."

"Ahaha! You said that when we were kids, too."

Ani-sama still doesn't know about our exchange diary. He never seemed to like Acchama, so I kept it a secret-- or rather, I felt like I couldn't tell him. But I felt like I might be able to show it to Ani-sama now.

Ani-sama's eye. His left eye hidden underneath an eyepatch. I couldn't be sure, but I felt like it was related to something that happened with Acchama. Ani-sama said he just had a stye, but... if that's all it was, then it was taking way too long to heal, Ani-sama.
I couldn't help but think that there was something going on, since he had started covering his eye just before he disappeared. I think he ran away because he had discovered all of my secrets. That's what my gut feeling told me.

And if he already knew... then maybe he wouldn't be as sad as he would have in the past if he found out now... maybe.

"Hey, Ani-sama... do you want to read my diary? If you want to see it, I'll show it to you."

But Ani-sama shook his head. It was like an instant reaction!

"No, I don't want to see it. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't curious, but..."

"Mm?"

"You wrote it all assuming that nobody else would ever read it, right? And if that's what you decided, Toi, then I'm never going to look at it, no matter how curious I am. ... but, thank you."

"Okay. Thanks to you, too, Ani-sama."

Ani-sama was right. It was just another keen reminder of how cool Ani-sama was. That's the kind of person he was. He was always straightforward and didn't beat around the bush. Ani-sama never asked me to let him read my diary before, and he wasn't going to now.

As I nodded vigorously, Ani-sama looked at me and smiled gently. Then he left the room, saying that he had something he had to do.

"Hah..." I exhaled and opened my diary back up. I let my gaze drift over the reply that Acchama had left me from yesterday.

Your power is getting stronger.

"..."

I felt a twinge of anxiety in my chest. I wasn't sure why Acchama said that. It felt strange to say, like it was advice or a prophecy. But saying that...

"I wonder if the fact that I won't be around much longer has anything to do with it?"

If those are related, I wonder what will happen between me, my brother, and Acchama.

I closed my diary and looked out the window. God would descend down on the pure white moonlight, just like he did that day.

End